Uncustomary Tips for a Successful Marriage

We all want our marriages to work… I mean, who doesn’t want to be happy, right? And yes, we’ve all read the articles about communication, making love in different rooms of the house, and other such tidbits. Now, I’m not saying that those are not good ideas, but I have developed some of my own tips from personal experience that I’ve found effective and would love to share with you. Here they are!

1. Be polite: While a certain level of comfort is to be expected and even enjoyed in a marriage, I’m astounded at how so many couples don’t even bother with a simple “please” and “thank you” anymore. I’ve found that this helps maintain a certain level of respect and decorum toward one another that matters.

2. Be appreciative: Sure, life is grueling and we each have our responsibilities to take care of. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t appreciate them! Think about how you feel when you cook dinner and everyone just eats it. Maybe they mumble “thank you.” But how much better would it make you feel if your spouse said, “Wow babe. What a fantastic dinner. Thanks so much for preparing this for us!” It would make you feel great, right? The same holds true for other expressions of appreciation, such as “Ugh, it’s so hot outside. Thank you so much for going out there and mowing the grass so our home looks nice!” I have found that expressing these greater levels of appreciation lead to both parties being much more willing and less resentful of the daily tasks that grind on all of us.

3. Talk like you’re dating: While this might seem impossible after a day of running after kids, working, cleaning, or doing the multitude of other things that make us exhausted by the end of the day, it can be done with a little effort. Yes, you do want to keep one another posted on what went on with the kids, work, etc. But you and your spouse don’t need to re-live the blow by blow account of each and every detail. Make an effort to update one another quickly on those things and to also have conversation about other things, like you might if you were dating. Things going on in the news, a new album released by a band you both like, or chatting about a new restaurant people are talking about might be some ideas. Drawing a blank? Take a minute to pull up the news on your computer and browse for five minutes to get ideas!

4. Date like you’re dating: On the occasion when you do have a date night, don’t forget that you’re on a date! Just as you wouldn’t openly yawn (no matter how exhausted you might be) if you were on a date, openly yawning on a date with your spouse is just as unattractive. Sure, they would understand. Sure, they’re just as exhausted as you are. But in the interest of making the date feel like a date instead of another exhausting obligation, a little manners can go a long way toward keeping things spicy.

5. Each do what you’re supposed to do: I can’t begin to tell you how many times I see this situation (sorry guys, but it’s usually you that does this): Woman asks man to do some thing. Let’s say it’s drive the kids to soccer and pick up the soccer pictures while there. Man drops kids at soccer but doesn’t get the pictures. Woman now feels like she has to personally do every single thing herself otherwise it won’t get done right. Woman feels resentful because she feels like a slave who can’t count on her partner. And resentment is a poisonous thing in a marriage. My advice: Either do the full thing correctly, or simply say up front that you don’t feel you can follow through.

6. Give up some control: Sorry ladies, but this is one we have a tendency to do. If you expect everything to be done to absolute perfection (eg; the way you would do it), then I’m sorry to say, you’re stuck doing everything yourself. Instead, give up some control! Yes, it’s possible that he may pick up the Special K with the berries instead of without, but there are also benefits in the fact that he did go to the store and buy the milk, eggs, bread, cold medicine, and toilet paper. And it really won’t kill you to eat the Special K with berries this one time. (Guys, see #5 above… if you did know which one was correct, get the correct one!)

7. Don’t play games, but do understand the person: I am not a proponent of manipulative behavior in a relationship in any way, shape, or form. But there is an art to understanding your spouse and working within those guidelines! For example, I am not a morning person and therefore, my husband does not ask me questions or even really talk to me for at least 30 minutes after waking up. This is much more effective than if he were to bombard me while I’m still half-asleep, resulting in me providing foggy answers and being very annoyed. Likewise, I know that he needs time to think about things before changing his opinion about anything. So sometimes I’ll talk with him about something, then let it lie for a day or so. The results are much better than pushing and pushing for a different answer right now. Understanding one another’s nuances and working with them can go a long way toward a happy marriage.

8. Be the “big one”: Maybe there are long-standing things that are so hard to give in on, you feel like you just can’t do it. Be the big one. Let go. Push comes to shove, do you want things to work out or not? It is not a weakness but a strength to give in and say to yourself–or even one another–I’m going to do things differently.

9. Don’t use sex as a tool: Love making is supposed to be a mutual session of showing one another love. It is not supposed to be a negotiating tactic to make sure the trash gets thrown out. Work to keep things separate. Your sex life has nothing to do with the chores. It’s much more effective to say, “I’d really appreciate if you’d please take the trash out. It makes me feel so distracted when it’s on my mind that it’s not done.” Rather than to secretly think, “Screw him. He didn’t do what I want so I’m not giving what he wants either.”

10. Do use sex as a tool: You know who sex is for? Grown ups! Consenting adults who enjoy sharing themselves physically with the person to whom they are committed. Connecting with one another sexually is a great way to remind yourselves and one another that you’re not “just a mom” or “just a dad,” “just a provider,” or “just a cleaning person.” It is a time when you can be a man and a woman on the purest level. Enjoy!

I hope you enjoyed these tips and would love to hear your feedback! Please feel free to comment below, and use the cute buttons to share with your friends! Thanks for reading!

(P.S: If you liked this article you may also enjoy my novels, “Momnesia,” and/or “Unexpecting.”