The Volunteer Vacuum: Knowing When to Say “No”

Volunteering. It’s all part of being a mom, right? We volunteer at school, at church, at playgroup, etc. In fact, some of us volunteer so much, it could be considered a full-time job.

Of course, there are some joys to be found in volunteering, and I’m not saying that we shouldn’t do it. But correct me if I’m wrong, ladies… we often get in over our heads and wind up doing SO much that we don’t end up enjoying it at all! Running from task to task, dragging the younger siblings along with us, we feel obligated to fulfill all of these duties. Somewhere in the back of our minds (or announced loudly at the PTA meeting), is the cry, “If I don’t ‘step up,’ no one will do it!” Gasp!

The truth is, someone else will do it. Or they won’t. But either way, doing what you can, what you enjoy, and what doesn’t end up making you feel overrun and resentful is more than doing your part.

My personal experience with this came to a head when my kids were about 5 & 7. I’d always been class mom (for both children’s classes), did library duty at school once a week, helped maintain the school vegetable garden, coordinated huge Girl Scout events for my daughter’s troop, helped out at Sunday school, organized baby showers for the neighbors, watched so-and-so’s dog when they went away. Etc, etc, etc.

The problem? No matter how much I did, I always felt guilty for not doing more. “I made cupcakes for the class party, but I used a mix,” I would chastise myself. “I know I did library duty today, but I really should have stayed and made those 4,000 photo copies the PTA needs done,” I’d say to myself, while racing through my food shopping like a bat out of hell so I’d be able to get home in time to meet my child at the bus stop with a lovely, healthy snack ready at home.

Then one day it occurred to me: Who is benefiting from this? Me? Certainly not. My child? Only when I’m directly involved in the classroom. Is me busting my ass for two months to coordinate a teacher luncheon really worth all the effort, particularly when I know that the teachers secretly feel resentful at having to give up their only free hour to come to it and the PTA bitches all talk about each other, no matter how hard you worked? The answer, for me, was a resounding “No!” It was not worth it. Not worth it at all.

I decided to scale back on my volunteering, and not to do things unless they meet one or preferably both of these criteria: a) They directly involve my child, or b) It is something I will enjoy doing.

It was hard to say no at first. But you know what? The Girl Scout troop still goes on camping trips without me personally having to be one of the volunteers. (I hate camping!) Instead, I help out with things that don’t make me feel like I’m enduring a session of ritualized torture. The children still get read to at the library at school, even though I am not personally the one who reads to them. You know what? People are paid to do that job! And/or volunteers who enjoy that are welcome to do it. Instead, I chaperone field trips, present at the school for Career Day, and do other things that I enjoy.

I’ve applied this “no over-volunteering” concept to other areas of my life too. I have been known to say (even when I’m not going away): “No, I’m sorry, I am not available to check in on your cat three times a day this weekend, but I can give you the phone number for the teenager down the street who does offer cat sitting.”

How has this worked out for me? Fabulously, if I may say. I have more free time. When I do volunteer, it feels like it really matters. I’ve been able to do things I feel are important… like become a certified presenter for pre-teen workshops in the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty, rather than spending my time getting eaten alive by mosquitoes while watering the school vegetable garden at 6:00am in the pitch dark by myself.

What about you? Have you ever felt over-extended with volunteering? If so, what have you done (or plan to do) about it? Whether you agree, disagree, or just have something to add, I look forward to your comments below.

Oh, and if I may add: “You might have Momnesia if… the PTA meeting is the most exciting night out you’ve had in months!”  (Click here to see info about my novel, “Momnesia.”)

Thanks for reading!