Telling it like it is
I’m a “tell it like it is” person. Always have been, and likewise, I prefer to “hear it like it is” too. (Note that I didn’t necessarily say “always will be.” More on that later.) Is it nature? Nurture? Geographical? I was born and raised in New York where people are significantly more this way than in North Carolina where I live now.
Over a lifetime, I’ve (not surprisingly) also had relationships—whether friendships or romances—with people who are similar in this way. Something seems more genuine to me about a friend who will tell you when you have spinach in your teeth, versus someone who “didn’t want to say anything.”
Hearing it like it is
Then again, it seems to me that it’s not the discomfort of the “hearer” that seems to be the issue… it’s the discomfort of the “teller.” Which leads me to my next conundrum of emotional over-analysis: What kind of friend considers their small discomfort about telling you the truth as more important than your large discomfort over discovering that your bra pad was sticking out the top of your shirt all night? Not a very good one, in my heartfelt opinion.
Does this benefit or hinder relationships?
Enter my husband, Mark. He’s my second husband and we’ve been married about five years (as of the writing of this article). The level of communication between us is more open than in any relationship—of any kind—that I’ve had before. And yet, regarding my completely honest persona, he has put forth: Before being quite so frank, perhaps you should consider, “What is the benefit of saying this?” My answer?… I would want to know!
As it turns out, it seems that most people don’t actually want to know. Oh sure, of course they do want to know if there’s spinach in their teeth or their bra pad is sticking out. But when it comes to other things? My observations reveal, um, not so much.
For example, I have a friend who works like a dog every year putting on a very special teacher appreciation luncheon at the elementary school. I happen to know (from being friendly with some of the teachers) that in fact, they’re are considerably resentful of this luncheon, understanding that the PTA is trying to do something nice but not appreciating that their only free hour is now taken up by an obligation to attend this thing.
So what’s a girl to do? Tell my friend so she can redirect her efforts toward a project that might be more worthwhile? Or not say anything, because I know it will hurt her feelings and make her react defensively? This is only one example but I have found that, in fact, Mark is right: There is no benefit in telling the person this and in fact, it’s only likely to cause friction in our friendship which was not my intention at all.
My problem: I ALWAYS want to hear the truth
The problem? If it were me, I’d want someone to tell me! No matter what the issue, I ALWAYS want to hear the truth, even if it stings for the moment. Annoying habit? I’d much prefer to hear about it so I can recognize it, decide if I want to fix it, and refrain from doing it. (My ex-husband telling me AFTER we’re divorced that I drove him crazy for twelve years due to letting the toilet bowl lid slam down in the middle of the night? Not helpful! Obviously unaware that I was doing it, he could have told me day one and not suffered through years of hearing it!)
This is something I struggle with constantly: If I’m not completely honest, I feel dishonest and like I’m not being a good friend. Likewise, if a person is not completely honest with me, I also feel like they’re not a very good friend to me. This “I didn’t want to say anything” thing totally does not work for me.
How about you?
Do you tell it like it is? And if so, do you find that it enhances or hinders your overall relationships? (I’m not talking your one or two besties here, I’m talking interactions in general.)
What about hearing it like it is? Do you prefer people be blatantly honest about all things all the time? Or do you prefer the relative comfort of icing over most things, thus preventing uncomfortable discussions?
I look forward to your thoughts and comments!
10 Responses
Patricia Mann
Great post, Lori! I completely agree with everything you’ve said here. I want to tell it like it is and hear it like it is, at all times, with all people. It’s awful to share a meal with someone you can’t trust to tell you there’s spinach in your teeth! And even worse, when you’re making bad choices that could harm yourself or others and no one tells you. I always want to know. But like you, I struggle with how much to share and what to hold back. I think it’s important to think about how we say what we say. There’s usually a kind way to say something that let’s the person know you’re just trying to help. But even then, the intention an often be misunderstood. This is a tough one and I don’t think there are easy answers! So glad you opened up this conversation!
LoriTheAuthor
You make an excellent point, Patricia. And I do find that the way something is said makes a huge difference. For example, “Um, babe, I think we need to be in the left lane soon,” versus, “You better move over so we don’t miss the turn!” Much, much better results. Nonetheless, I’ve found that some people would actually rather miss the turn than hear you say something about it. Sigh.
Patricia Mann
Perfect example, Lori! I’d much rather hear it that way. Though I do think my husband would rather miss the turn than hear that from me, no matter how I phrase it. 🙂
**Must start proofreading my comments before posting! If anyone is as horrified as I was when I read my first comment, please know that I do realize it should be “lets” and “can.” LOL.
Patricia Mann
PS – I have to add one more thing. I also find the regional differences very interesting. I grew up in NY and now live in CA and it still feels as if people are speaking a different language! New Yorkers are so direct and much more likely to “tell it like it is” while people in California seem more friendly and easy going on the surface. But everyone gets annoyed or has opinions about others, it’s just a matter of how much it shows. I’d rather know the truth!
Elizabeth Marx
Lori,
Love this. Being from Chicago I have a certain Midwestern sensibility about me, but I was raised by a grandmother from the South who was a tell it like it is woman, so it’s a constant struggle. As I’ve aged I’ve learned that brutal honesty doesn’t really help anyone, that’s why that word brutal is in the phrase… We have a thing in our house about tattling, my rule is I don’t want to hear about what your sister did or didn’t do unless someone’s going to get hurt, physically or emotionally. I’ve applied this rule to gossip now, as my girls are 13 & 16, telling them not to repeat what they’ve heard unless someone’s going to get hurt and then make sure you tell someone who can do something about it! The bottom line is, as grandma also said, “If you don’t have nothing nice to say, don’t say nothing at all.”
E
LoriTheAuthor
Thanks, Elizabeth! I agree that brutal honesty doesn’t help anyone… except, apparently, me! We have a similar rule in our house about tattling… “If your sentence involves whining and begins with ‘She…’ just stop now!”
Patricia Mann
I agree with Elizabeth. I’m not a fan of tattling, gossip, or brutal honesty. And Lori, I love your no whining rule too! But I think constructive feedback delivered in as nice a manner as possible, with the intention of helping the person you’re giving it to should be encouraged! At least I know I want to hear it… it has helped me make positive changes many times.
LoriTheAuthor
Once again, it is apparent that Patricia Mann and I are so alike! Can’t wait to get together in person so we can “brutalize” each other! Just kidding! LOL!