Tell It & Hear It Like It Is… or No?

Telling it like it is

I’m a “tell it like it is” person. Always have been, and likewise, I prefer to “hear it like it is” too. (Note that I didn’t necessarily say “always will be.” More on that later.) Is it nature? Nurture? Geographical? I was born and raised in New York where people are significantly more this way than in North Carolina where I live now.

Over a lifetime, I’ve (not surprisingly) also had relationships—whether friendships or romances—with people who are similar in this way. Something seems more genuine to me about a friend who will tell you when you have spinach in your teeth, versus someone who “didn’t want to say anything.”

Hearing it like it is

Then again, it seems to me that it’s not the discomfort of the “hearer” that seems to be the issue… it’s the discomfort of the “teller.” Which leads me to my next conundrum of emotional over-analysis: What kind of friend considers their small discomfort about telling you the truth as more important than your large discomfort over discovering that your bra pad was sticking out the top of your shirt all night? Not a very good one, in my heartfelt opinion.

Does this benefit or hinder relationships?

Enter my husband, Mark. He’s my second husband and we’ve been married about five years (as of the writing of this article). The level of communication between us is more open than in any relationship—of any kind—that I’ve had before. And yet, regarding my completely honest persona, he has put forth: Before being quite so frank, perhaps you should consider, “What is the benefit of saying this?” My answer?… I would want to know!

As it turns out, it seems that most people don’t actually want to know. Oh sure, of course they do want to know if there’s spinach in their teeth or their bra pad is sticking out. But when it comes to other things? My observations reveal, um, not so much.

For example, I have a friend who works like a dog every year putting on a very special teacher appreciation luncheon at the elementary school. I happen to know (from being friendly with some of the teachers) that in fact, they’re are considerably resentful of this luncheon, understanding that the PTA is trying to do something nice but not appreciating that their only free hour is now taken up by an obligation to attend this thing.

So what’s a girl to do? Tell my friend so she can redirect her efforts toward a project that might be more worthwhile? Or not say anything, because I know it will hurt her feelings and make her react defensively? This is only one example but I have found that, in fact, Mark is right: There is no benefit in telling the person this and in fact, it’s only likely to cause friction in our friendship which was not my intention at all.

My problem: I ALWAYS want to hear the truth

The problem? If it were me, I’d want someone to tell me! No matter what the issue, I ALWAYS want to hear the truth, even if it stings for the moment. Annoying habit? I’d much prefer to hear about it so I can recognize it, decide if I want to fix it, and refrain from doing it. (My ex-husband telling me AFTER we’re divorced that I drove him crazy for twelve years due to letting the toilet bowl lid slam down in the middle of the night? Not helpful! Obviously unaware that I was doing it, he could have told me day one and not suffered through years of hearing it!)

This is something I struggle with constantly: If I’m not completely honest, I feel dishonest and like I’m not being a good friend. Likewise, if a person is not completely honest with me, I also feel like they’re not a very good friend to me. This “I didn’t want to say anything” thing totally does not work for me.

How about you?

Do you tell it like it is? And if so, do you find that it enhances or hinders your overall relationships? (I’m not talking your one or two besties here, I’m talking interactions in general.)

What about hearing it like it is? Do you prefer people be blatantly honest about all things all the time? Or do you prefer the relative comfort of icing over most things, thus preventing uncomfortable discussions?

I look forward to your thoughts and comments!