Five Things I Learned This Week

1. Clubbing, which begins no earlier than 11 pm, was a lot more fun when I didn’t get up at 6 am every day because my kids’ school days start so early. And when I had friends who wanted to do it with me.

2. If you join a gym, you can drive by and say “That’s my gym.” You can wear the t-shirt, carry the membership card, and pay the money. But if you don’t go there and work out, you won’t actually become any more fit.

3. There are some friends with whom there is no choice but to phone at a time you know is inconvenient for them; the only other option being to call at 3 am to shoot the breeze because really, there is no time during normal waking hours when you’d both be available.

4. When applying a fake cat nose to one’s face, do not use “Outlast” lipstick because you are too lazy to search for normal lipstick that would have washed off without practically having to apply a chemical solvent.

5. When waking a teenager, begin by finding the wire peeking out of the blankets. Follow it along, and if you come across an iPod, reverse directions. Eventually you will arrive at the earbuds, which are in the head of the near-comatose teen.