With the holiday season upon us, I think it’s safe to say that we can all use a good laugh and a little rest & relaxation to offset all the responsibilities.
Below, is a special excerpt from “Momnesia,” involving Christmas. I hope it brings you a chuckle or two, and gives you an idea of the writing style of “Momnesia!”
(Background: The main character is recently divorced from Paul, a very passive and formerly indecisive guy who left everything up to her for years and years on end. He has finally moved out after four months of procrastinating, and it’s their first Christmas as a “divorced family.”)
From page 250:
By this time, Christmas had come and gone. Paul had (thankfully) gotten his own tree and decorated his own house, enabling us to each spend time with the children, our consciences clear that they wouldn’t be missing a thing.
Grace and I prepared a nice breakfast that morning of pancakes (pink), bacon and sausage, orange juice, and chocolate chip muffins. Paul came over bright and early to watch the girls open their gifts, we all ate breakfast together, and then they went on their way. He took them to church and then back to his house where he prepared the Seven Fishes for twelve people.
Yes, you heard correctly. Paul, who had never, in the course of our entire marriage, cooked so much as a box of macaroni and cheese, personally prepared the Feast of the Seven Fishes on Christmas. By himself. To serve twelve people.
This was a man who had not only never cooked, but also didn’t shop, wrap, clean, or execute any of the endless list of tasks that were involved in the year-after-year absurdity of entertaining our enormous extended families on Christmas.
Just in case you are not familiar with this, let me explain the Seven Fishes so you can fully comprehend the staggering concept of Paul doing this: Many Catholic families (Italian ones in particular) celebrate Christmas by preparing seven seafood dishes. Typically, there are courses of calamari, mussels, scallops, and so forth. Just to clarify, I am not talking about one meal with seven different types of fish in it. I am referring to seven different seafood dishes, each prepared individually.
Normally, the Seven Fishes would be eaten on Christmas Eve, but since his family was coming on Christmas Day and that’s when he would have the kids, he decided (decided!) to make it on Christmas Day instead.
When I expressed my dismay at his plan to cook all that food, Paul said, “Well, you always did such a beautiful job on the holidays, and it just wouldn’t be the same without the Seven Fishes.”
Dumbfounded, I stood there mutely. This from the man who never once expressed even the slightest appreciation for the grueling obligation I orchestrated year after year without an iota of help? Who had never mentioned—not even once—that he even noticed all I did, never mind enjoyed it?
I couldn’t think of a thing to say. There was nothing to say. I hoped that Paul and his Seven Fishes would all burn to a crisp.
(Excerpt continues below…)
After Paul and the kids left, I spent the rest of the day alternately relaxing and putting away decorations. Because the fact is, despite being a mom who participates fully in the holiday season and all of its accompanying hoopla (for the kids, of course), I don’t like Christmas. And that’s an understatement. There is literally nothing I enjoy about it.
I don’t enjoy the background music and holiday displays that spring up in stores in August, the phony goodwill from people bringing fattening cookies by the truckload, or the greedy commercialism that has completely obscured the reason for the season. I don’t like spending more money than I can afford so that I can buy gifts for people who don’t appreciate them, nor do I enjoy staying up until 2:00 a.m. wrapping, only to be smirked at scornfully upon presentation for my maladroit ribboning skills.
I can’t stand the clutter around the house, the infinite crafts the kids bring home from school, or the forty things that need to be returned or exchanged afterward. Overall, I think it’s safe to say that the Grinch and I would get along quite well.
Of course, being that it was only Christmas Day, I limited myself to putting away the decorations inside the house—the ten thousand knick-knacks, snow globes, and reindeer stuffed animals. That sort of thing. I did leave the tree up, adhering to my vow that surely I could tolerate it until New Year’s Day.
The outdoor lights were another story. While I did plan to leave those up until New Year’s Day, I anticipated that it would be very difficult to get them down. Recalling my argument with Paul, during which he’d insisted on putting them up and promised to take them back down, I asked him when he planned on coming over to do that. Rolling his eyes (and knowing how much I hate them being up there), he mumbled something about trying to come by the following week. It didn’t sound good.
I hope you enjoyed the excerpt and I look forward to your comments below. If you would like to purchase “Momnesia,” Please go here.
Thanks for your interest! I hope you have a wonderful holiday season… and don’t forget to take care of yourself a bit, too!
Sincerely,
Lori Verni-Fogarsi (LoriTheAuthor)
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You can also read more free excerpts from my books here.
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